Monday, June 12, 2006

the simple life



It began innocently enough, with just a little touch o' the BIID, but I went on a bender and just couldn't seem to stop! Now that I've been reduced to my essential part, very little maintenance is required, just an occasional feeding... kind of like a houseplant.

63 Comments:

At 12:16 AM, Blogger sloth said...

did I mention my detachable anus?

 
At 2:05 AM, Anonymous Mountain Man said...

Ok wait, are there meds being delivered transcutaneously via the anus? Or what? Or just a cleanser? Sloth wowee. I would like to get on board if you think it's a worthwhile pursuit. I will try anything these days. You mentioned something about a detachable anus - do you have detachable buttocks too? Are these yours?

Love,

Confused but Curious

 
At 9:06 AM, Blogger sloth said...

mm, I think i need to borry your wagon.

 
At 9:12 AM, Anonymous Mountain Man said...

My wagon is your wagon. Take it.

 
At 9:27 AM, Blogger Corny said...

Good of your dental hygenist to help out with the feeding. This new streamlined version of yourself is pretty SNAZZY! Do you come with a sholder strap? By the way, I got a bunch of extra detachable anuses if anyone wants one

 
At 9:37 AM, Blogger Corny said...

As your #1 Fanny, I Can get Behind this post 100% Butt I have a Haunch theres more to this them meets the eye, we must get to the Bottom of this immediatly.

 
At 9:46 AM, Anonymous Frogs said...

Corny your sense of humor is highly subtle. My tush is green from the actions of the pond scums. I am jealous of this clean fleshy tush.

 
At 10:14 AM, Anonymous w.w. said...

corny you made me snort.

 
At 10:24 AM, Blogger Corny said...

Thanks frogs, you are savvy and discerning in the wit dept. I learnt my ways at the BobHopeUpstairsHumorAcademy

 
At 10:29 AM, Blogger Corny said...

by the way frogs, I have scum build up too, it helps the pants slide on easier. If your build-up gets to thick I can scrape you down, I've been growing out my thumb nail for the job.

 
At 10:30 AM, Anonymous bums away said...

why are you all laughing at the detachable bum? Sometimes it is medically necessary to have one. please do not mock the afflicted.

 
At 10:33 AM, Anonymous jellyjam said...

can we see a top?

 
At 10:36 AM, Blogger sloth said...

lol, Oh corny, I want to audit a course at the BHUHA! My blogging is a little behind, sorry for being such a bum. I've been working my ass off to pay studio rent, which is in arrears...

And not only do I come with a shoulder strap, I am now fully shoulder-mounted. Be the first on your block!

 
At 11:41 AM, Anonymous pd said...

Oh god slothy! Less is more right? I think this is something that J-Lo should do.

 
At 11:46 AM, Blogger Corny said...

Sloths, I'm sorry but I have to call you out, I recognize that technique, you have secretly been taking classes at BHUHA with Milton Brele!

 
At 11:49 AM, Blogger sloth said...

Good idea, PD. Shoot, I just saw her at the P.R. Day parade... woulda told her if only.

Fer meself, I am considering changing my name to "Boom-Boom." I've been working up an act.

 
At 11:51 AM, Blogger The Capt'n said...

From one choad to another: you're really lookin' good these days, Slothy.

 
At 12:05 PM, Anonymous pd said...

I smell Bum bum, Slothy. Maybe I sat in the wrong seat on the subway. Time for a transplant.

 
At 12:11 PM, Blogger The Capt'n said...

"I smell bum bum Slothy."

"Do you come with a shoulder strap?"

"OK wait, are there meds being delivered transcutaneously via the anus?"


AHHHH! Joie de vivre up in here.

 
At 12:17 PM, Anonymous pd said...

Yes, random converstion here in the ether. I am trying to work in "ether talk" in all my daily conversation.

 
At 12:25 PM, Anonymous bum bum said...

capt'n, since I don't have eyes anymore, my other senses have increased in acuity. My choad-senses are tingling, which means you are looking mighty fine yerself.

 
At 12:26 PM, Blogger sloth said...

(beige is chapping me raw today... and being all bum I am ALL CHAP.)

 
At 12:34 PM, Blogger The Capt'n said...

No, pd, not random! Not random at all!
I meant brilliant, I meant cracking me the hell up, I meant these are some of my favorite quotes of the day, along with some of the toxic waste stuff and BJ and the Bear. Just for the record.

 
At 12:36 PM, Blogger The Capt'n said...

Sloth,
I'm sorry. I guess you'll need to call in the hands in gloves to administer the chapstick.
Get well soon!

 
At 12:42 PM, Anonymous rawhide said...

why so chapped slothy?

 
At 12:56 PM, Anonymous pd said...

Is it okay to tell my boss I do not want to work in this toxic waste dump?

 
At 1:01 PM, Blogger sloth said...

well, for one thing they are making me WORK my little toes to the bone, which shows that they do not unnerstand the true nature of the sloth, and (b) annoying Jersey Boy co-worker is getting under my skin...

1. gave the entire office his cold, including me
2. mumbles to self
3. plays techno at a very low volume
4. sighs constantly
5. sniffles due to coke habit
6. is brain damaged
7. mouth breather

I could go on...

 
At 1:01 PM, Blogger sloth said...

pd, let's run away. now.

 
At 1:09 PM, Anonymous pd said...

Aw the mouth breather thing is the straw that broke the Slothy's back. We need to slice and run, Slothy, there is no other way. My co-workers have left me all alone. I am not complaining.

 
At 1:14 PM, Blogger sloth said...

PD, i am crying my eyes out with jealousy...... I need some Coworker Formula Raid.

 
At 1:17 PM, Anonymous pd said...

Quick Kill Formula, so you get the eggs...even before they are fertilized.

 
At 1:21 PM, Blogger Thunderpal said...

Mouth breather eh? I've got a flame thrower around here somewhere.

 
At 1:50 PM, Anonymous krixfort said...

truly bad slothy. You can use my flail.

 
At 1:50 PM, Anonymous krixfort said...

and my suit of armor.

 
At 2:09 PM, Anonymous chappy said...

I want to run away with slothy too.

 
At 2:38 PM, Anonymous Iron Nipple said...

Sloths will you run away with me too?
You can ride on my sholders, I'll spread the soothing ointments and
more.

 
At 2:43 PM, Blogger JD said...

The co-worker who sits next to me is the kind of person who actually calls the 800 numbers listed on products such as cereal and shampoo, and then engages the poor operators in endless conversations about nothing. This happens once she realizes that I am resolutely ignoring her. A nice sharp deli-slicer could help. I don't feel guilty for feeling this way.

 
At 3:18 PM, Anonymous Mountain Man said...

Hi guys. I am shunning myself, ostracizing myself just for fun. Have you tried it? It's not actually as fun as I thought it would be. Anyway. Sorry about the mouth breather. Very grody.

 
At 3:26 PM, Blogger sloth said...

hi mm, I have run myself out of town! with rocks! It's more fun, more sporty that way.

 
At 3:46 PM, Blogger sloth said...

JD, this person must be dealt with, preferably in a violent manner. Or if you want to avoid bloodshed, have her call 1-800-EAT-SHIT... that'll keep her busy.

Has anyone actually tried to call that number, by the way?

 
At 4:52 PM, Anonymous corny said...

I just called, the number is
1 (800)328-7448
There's a messege that says "mmmm, Hi baby, virtual girls in our chat room are waiting to talk to you in their hot little nities, call now, they want you..." then there's another number.

Whats a virtual girl? are they robots? are they mist?

 
At 5:02 PM, Anonymous Vapor Eyes said...

Wow, I just called. Thanks for the tip Slothy and Corns. I was virtually turned on by it.

 
At 5:02 PM, Anonymous pd said...

MM, I miss your virtuality.

 
At 10:12 PM, Blogger JD said...

Ha ha, 1-800-EAT-SHIT!! I'm snorting late-night coffee out of my nose, Sloth. Thanks for that.

Corny and Vapes, when I called the number, all I got was a middle-aged sounding woman offering me three differently-prepared shit dishes. Did I dial wrong?

I'm still at work. This is wrong, I know.

 
At 10:28 PM, Anonymous Vapes said...

JD! Yes, but it is HOW they offered the dishes, not the dishes themselves--right?

 
At 10:29 PM, Anonymous Vapes said...

Go home JD. I ordered you up some take-out. It will be there when you get home.

 
At 10:41 PM, Blogger sloth said...

JD, my heart is sad for you there at the beige so very, very late. It is a wrongness that should never be endured.

 
At 11:18 PM, Anonymous krixfort said...

I hope you are home by now JD. There is a wrongness all around for having to beige it so late.

Time for vacation I say.

 
At 11:54 PM, Blogger sloth said...

BTW jd, I must give attribution where credit is due: our one and only Goddess of the Corn produced a series of very lovely bumper stickers that say: "How's my painting? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT." I have one in my studio as we speak and it cracks me up daily.

 
At 10:52 AM, Blogger JD said...

Ha ha again to Corny! Where can I purchase this bumper sticker?

PD, I did order takeout, from the 1-800-EAT-SHIT phone ladies. It was waiting for me when I got home, and it was still steaming hot. Delicious.

I got home from work late last night, but the good thing is that I'm done now for a while, and making art will soon ensue. The bad thing is that the Shrub's news conference is now on teh radio, and for some reason I'm listening to it. How could this man have been elected twice? How????????

 
At 10:55 AM, Blogger JD said...

Ooops, pardon me. SELECTED twice.

 
At 12:20 PM, Blogger fairy butler said...

sloth i think you need to spit up a little of the anal goo at the mouth breather/sniffler. have the nurse feed you just a lil' too much. ugh. beige. jd, your story made me sad but i am glad you had a steaming pile to come home to.

 
At 6:37 PM, Blogger JD said...

Thanks FB! I have leftovers, too. If freshly harvested, shit keeps remarkably well in tupperware. Reheating it is the bitch.

Sloth, have you tried the headphones (with or without sound) to block out the mouthbreathing sounds?

 
At 7:58 PM, Blogger sloth said...

Excellent suggestion, FB! Maybe I can transmit some kind of butt-related disease while I'm at it. Frst I have to work a little on aim and distance. I'll set up a tin can at home for target practice.

JD, I am intrigued by your headphone suggestion; I don't have a head anymore, so figuring out how exactly to wear them is gonna be a challenge. Is there such thing as disembodied-assphones?

 
At 8:38 PM, Blogger JD said...

Yes, Sloth, the assphones work amazingly well, but the action might be interpreted by the mouth-breather as somehow insulting. Proceed at your own risk. I think FB's suggestion is also a good, if repulsive, alternative.

 
At 12:29 PM, Blogger sloth said...

see slothy rock:

http://www.lesionallevil.com

 
At 12:41 PM, Blogger sloth said...

just in the poster; not the concert clip, btw.

 
At 2:55 PM, Anonymous Corny said...

Would you make that face if I sung you the Sinister Ducks song accapella?

 
At 3:26 PM, Anonymous pd said...

this link leads me to a yahoo search page. am i a tard? i can't figure it all out.

 
At 8:59 AM, Blogger fairy butler said...

cool sloth rocking out yeah!

 
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